From childhood squabbles to adult disputes, most of us have experienced the sting of betrayal or hurt that leads to holding a grudge. It’s a universal experience, one that transcends cultures and ages, and its impact goes beyond the emotional pain we feel in the moment.
Understanding Grudges
Holding a grudge is when we harbor anger, bitterness, resentment or other negative feelings toward someone long after that person has done something to hurt us. It’s a common response when we feel that we’ve been wronged, especially if the other person does not apologize or do anything to rectify the situation.
Mental Health Effects of Holding a Grudge
Holding a grudge means keeping negative emotions such as anger and resentment active in our minds. It affects our overall happiness and well-being by keeping us mentally stuck in the past.
Here are some of the mental health effects of holding a grudge:
- Increased stress
- Chronic anger
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Aggressive behavior
- Emotional dysregulation
Impaired cognitive functioning
Physical Effects of Holding a Grudge
Because holding a grudge is stressful, it’s associated with these stress-related medical conditions:
- Cardiovascular disease
- Insomnia
- Gastrointestinal disease
- Weakened immune system
- Chronic pain
- Autoimmune conditions
- Cancer
- Reproduction problems
Other Effects of Holding a Grudge
Social
Harboring a grudge can affect our behavior and interactions with others, making us less trusting and more defensive, damaging relationships and leading to social isolation.
Developmental
Holding a grudge can prevent emotional development and personal growth by keeping us tied to past events and preventing us from fully experiencing the present.
Holding a Grudge vs. Healthy Coping
Feeling angry and hurt is normal when we’ve been wronged. These feelings can be part of a healthy coping mechanism, alerting us to injustice and motivating us to protect ourselves or set boundaries.
Here are four ways to distinguish between healthy coping and holding a grudge:
1. Intensity and Duration
Healthy anger is a temporary reaction that decreases over time as we process our emotions, learn from the situation and gradually let it go. A grudge is a form of prolonged resentment that maintains or even intensifies over time.
2. Effect on Well-Being
Healthy anger can lead to productive outcomes. It might motivate us to have a much-needed conversation, set boundaries or take measures to protect our well-being in the future. Holding a grudge usually does the opposite, causing physical, mental and social issues.
3. Behavior Towards Others
Are you able to have positive interactions with the person who hurt you (after addressing the problem), or do you usually feel hostile toward that person?
4. Ability to Move On
With healthy coping, we’re able to process our feelings, learn from the situation and eventually move on. Holding a grudge means being stuck in a cycle of anger and resentment without moving forward.
Letting Go of a Grudge
If you struggle to let go of a grudge, consider seeking professional help. Therapists can provide tools and techniques to help you heal.
Holding a grudge is a heavy burden to bear. It impacts our mental health, physical well-being and social interactions. Letting go is a choice that requires courage, understanding and patience. When we decide to release these feelings of resentment and anger, we open the door to healing, peace and healthier relationships.
