A 50-year study recently completed by The Gottman Institute found that the single most important phrase successful couples use in their relationships is “thank you.”
After observing 40,000 couples during therapy sessions, clinical psychologists John and Julie Gottman concluded that relationships with an “enthusiastic culture of appreciation” were more likely to be successful for a lifetime than those that don’t regularly practice gratitude. In other words, couples who regularly thank each other are more likely to stay together longer than those who don’t.
Think about it. We say “thank you” to strangers every day. Someone holds a door open for us. Thank you. A cashier hands us a receipt. Thank you. A waiter brings our food to the table. Thank you.
Yet, we frequently neglect to thank our partners. Why? Maybe we take them for granted or think it’s their job to do things for us. So why thank them for listening while we vent about our stressful day or when they empty the dishwasher?
Because you probably want your relationship to last longer than the average seven to eight years (in the U.S.).
What We Usually Do
The study revealed that couples who have been together for two years or longer often develop a culture of noticing the things their partners do wrong rather than what they do right.
For example, your spouse was home all day while you were at work. You come home to a pile of laundry in the kitchen. You think your partner was disorganized or lazy, or maybe even left the laundry for you to do, so you get upset. But when you come home and the laundry is done, you say nothing.
“It’s easy to fall into the trap of only seeing what your partner is not doing. You develop a narrative where you’re the one putting in all the effort, and you start to believe it’s true,” the Gottmans said about their findings.
They advise couples to develop a mindset that is focused on looking for positive traits and saying “thank you.”
How to Get Better at Saying Thank You
1. Practice Noticing the Positive
2. Say “Thank You”
3. Strive to Change Yourself, not Your Partner
Creating a cycle of appreciation begins with changing how you think, what you say and what you do, not by demanding that your partner change.
